also_sprach

Tue, 05 Mar 2002 07:08:29 GMT

I have been starting to face reality about Nyoka, getting to a point where my need to have sex with her has abated once and for all, and no longer overrides my good sense. I know our relationship is not healthy. But when you've never had real sex before and you finally start getting it, it is damn hard to give it up!

Anabella's words of encouragment in this regard have helped for sure. Having her voice as well as mine urging me to do the right thing let me get through the whole nite without kissing Nyoka at all, which was a struggle and a half! Whooooboy she was hurt. But what Anabella hlped me to see is that all my actions cannot be guided by whether Nyoka is gonna act hurt. Getting hurt is a a part of relationships, that is written on the label when you buy one of these things.

She tried to put the mojo on me, which she does so well, caressing the back of my neck and so on, but HA! I was not going for it this time. Then when we hugged goodbye she tried to parlay that into a kiss, but I did not roll with it so she said "can i just kiss you please??" and i said "uhhh no". Hoooboy she was acting hurt then, i'll tell ya.

So then I thought I escaped for the night, but when i get home Nyoka IMs and mails me:

That was really stupid of me and i apologize. I shouldn't have asked to kiss you...i was very wrong for that. Unfortunately, I still have very deep feelings for you and when i go a while without seeing you, i just want to touch and kiss you...i can't help it and i gave in to that weakness. If you want, I won't touch you anymore like i did...caressing the back of your head. It was mainly a reflex...just something i'm used to doing when you're with me....i did it without really thinking about it and when i realized that, i stopped.

Although you don't owe me any explanations, i can't help but wonder if you saying you just weren't in a physical place right now was only some of the story and that there aren't other things you're not telling me. I'm not accusing you of lying or anything like that. I just felt you were holding back something else...i mean of course that's your right if you are, and like i said, i totally understand you don't owe me anything. But being completely rejected like that hurt alot and i'm still kinda stunned...

I have something extremely important i need to ask you...but i don't want to ask you online. Please can you just call me when you get this....i promise i won't keep you long but i cannot sleep with this on my mind...i just need to know something so it can be settled and i can begin to move on.

Please Sprach

Thank you

So i reluctantly call her, at 4:45 AM, and she asks "so when you say you feel like you don't want to be involved in a physical thing did you just mean tonite?" and i say no, and then the fireworks start. But this time it was different from the last 20 times we had this talk..

For the first time I did not hold my tongue, did not look for a way to answer every question without hurting her. I didn't go along with her games. I kept it REAL. And it was SO LIBERATING. What a rush.

I was in a weird mood coming home, that phone call oddly enough has made me feel much better. I felt a little weird about hanging with Anabella, like there was a funny vibe between us. I think it was mostly in my head though. my hangups and insecurities.

She was looking really really hot and hot women make me nervous. But nah, we had a good time, I think. Maybe she feels awkward cuz she senses my attraction and wonders if I realize I'm not her type. But maybe it is just me worrying about these things, and everything was cool on her end.

God she showed me this photo shoot she did, i would kill for those pictures. KILL.

I am scared of girls. that is a basic fact of my existence. if an attractive girl makes eye contact with me, i FLEE. i go into panic mode. it happened tonite after i got out of the Nyoka's car. heeeeelp. i need to get over that.

anabella looked really hot tonite. she looks better every time i see her.

ok i'm going to bed.

Mon, 04 Mar 2002 05:07:10 GMT

my house is really dirty. it's funny, my external life is better than its ever been, but my internal, secret life nobody sees is still in shambles. the fact that i have an internal secret life nobody sees is an issue in itself of course. maybe it is THE issue.

this is the way of living i absorbed from my dad i guess.

i really have a crush on anabella, in a funny sort of way. there is no sense of us being compatible, or of her thinking of me in that way...well i am not 100% positive about that. She is doing/saying things that from another woman I would take as a "signal". But I do not think she means them that way.

But we have developed a friendship which she seems to value. There is a certain sort of attraction but i do not think it is physical on her end, if that makes any sense...I mean she is definitely drawn to me but not in a physical way. Sexually I would be in way over my head with her, and I think she knows that. She's like a sexual super-ninja, i am maybe a green belt. Shit let's face it i am a white belt.

I am really enjoying our friendship though.. in an odd sort of way. Like, I wouldn't necessarily want to introduce her to my other friends...or maybe I would. I am not sure. I don't think i would. She has character flaws that I wilfully ignore, which my friends would not ignore cuz they don't have a quasi-crush on her. But I do really respect her in a funny sort of way. We started talking about Nyoka and I really felt comfortable with it, I feel like I can be honest with her about my personal stuff, and she respects me enough not to be judgemental about it, to keep it in perspective. I am thinking about talking honestly with her about the things I have never talked about. But I will try to resist that urge, and feel things out slowly. Let things flow and see where they go.

I am very inhibited and uptight sexually, and I think she can be a good influence on me in that regard, she is so far out at the other end. Her dvd recommendations are definitely corrupting me.

ok i need to get out of the house, i am in some sort of limbo. i am going a long stretch without doing laundry or cleaning. this speaks towards where my head is at. and yet in so many ways my life and mindstate are better than ever. confusing.

Fri, 01 Mar 2002 05:34:44 GMT

Whether rich or poor, black or white, young or old, every man has one thing in common. We all want to have sex with our mother.

You know the truth. Those fleeting urges you hurriedly push away. Why must we run from it?

Now go ahead, try to masturbate without thinking of these words. I dare you.